Janet, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her doctor’s office.
When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” Continue reading
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you
remarry?”
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We
all need companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live
in this house?” Continue reading
A man comes home from work, sits down in his recliner, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.
Confused, she walks in to the kitchen and grabs him a beer anyway. The guy quickly downs the beer and says, “Quick, bring me another beer before is starts!”
His wife huffs a little but still goes and gets him another beer. “One more before it starts!” the husband yells after finishing off the second can. Continue reading
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can’t escape the cop and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and asks, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” Continue reading
Little Johnny’s Dad picks him up from school at the end of the day.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son, “So what part did you get in the school play?”.
Little Johnny enthusiastically replies, “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”
A woman tells her husband she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, “You don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”
The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?”
“Just rub toilet paper between them.” Continue reading
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. Continue reading
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for dinner.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” Continue reading
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually experimental, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. Continue reading
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
“They would make a good present for any man,” my wife commented to a colleague, “if only to remind him of the two things he can never have.”
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.” Continue reading
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Continue reading
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: Continue reading
A little girl was having a a hard time understanding the concept of marriage.
Her mother got out her wedding album, thinking visual images would help. Her mother explained the entire service of marriage to her. Continue reading
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt, and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. ”
This statement disgusted his wife, but she decided to keep quiet. Continue reading
A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.
In walks her husband’s friend Jack. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Jack steps in and quietly says, “I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me.” She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Jack have a quick peek before doing it up again. Jack gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave Continue reading
Dan was set to marry Jan, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said “Dan, let me tell you something: On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on.’”
She tried on the pants and said, “These just don’t fit,” to which I replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had a problem.” Continue reading
A rich guy and a poor guy are discussing what they bought their wives for their Anniversaries. The poor guy says, “So, what did you get your wife for your Anniversary?”
“I bought her a fur coat and a BMW,” he says.
“Wow,” says the poor guy. “Why did you buy her that?”
“Because,” the rich guy says, “if she doesn’t like the fur coat, she can jump in the BMW and return it.” Continue reading
One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which in turn was immediately followed by a man walking solemnly along. Following him was a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
“My wife,” the man replied.
“I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died,” replied the man. Continue reading